Step 1. Wash your face morning and night with Aveeno non-allergenic, non-oil, non-trans-fats (or something like that) face wash. Apply Lubriderm ultra-advanced, ultra-sensitive, ultra-pasteurized (or something) lotion immediately afterwards.
Step 2. Replace your cheap Target foundation makeup with BareMinerals powder foundation at $32 per tiny vial. Apply diligently every morning and for heaven’s sake don’t touch your face throughout the day. Touching your face is very bad. Everyone says so.
Step 3. Buy anti-itch, anti-inflammatory, anti-hormonal (or something) cortisone cream for particularly dry patches. Wash hands and face before applying, according to the instructions, by massaging a small amount into affected area two to four times daily.
Step 4. Don’t rub or scratch the dry, peeling skin no matter how tempting. Scratching is very bad. Everyone says so.
Step 5. Troll Web MD and learn about rosacea and eczema. Pray you don’t have these.
Step 6. Hear all about someone’s mother’s gluten allergy and how going gluten-free cleared up her skin and migraines. Pray you don’t have this either. Because you totally can’t eat anything on a gluten-free diet.
Step 7. Use pore-cleansing strips. Sometimes wash your face and reapply lotion and makeup in the middle of the day. Endure maddening itching for several weeks. Hate beautiful airbrushed people on television. Watch your self-image plummet.
Step 8. At last, spend one evening with a mildly stuffy nose and sinus headache. Take an over-the-counter off-brand allergy pill before bed. Wake up with dry skin patches reduced by half. Repeat the following night. Be mostly cured.
Conclusion. The universe is a comedy.
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